Happy new year, everyone! Wow, amazing what a month or so does and brings with is, isn't it?
The last week I've done lots of thinking, reminiscing and come to some realizations.
If you were to ask me am I happy, I'd prolly tell you yes. But deep down inside I know I"m not. My life isn't where I want it to be right now. There's pieces still missing. There's fear still lying underneath. There's lots of little things that need to be changed and/or corrected for me to be happy again. I'm just not happy with myself in general.
It's a new year and time to change. Lil Man is going to graduate in a few months. The last few years since the divovrce have all been lived for him and with him in mind. I think it's time I start taking control of myself and my life again and do things for me.
Step one, my hair. I've screwed with it enough in the last year to last me for the next 5. So I"m letting it grow, I have a natural "stress spot" that comes out. If I let it grow out it will be a natural grey streak right at the crown going to the left. I've always colored it when I cover my grey's but I"m stopping. It's mine and I should be proud of it. It's already looking good. I'm also letting my hair grow out. I want to see how it'll look long with the grey streak. So that's what I"m doing.
Step two, my weight. I've put on about 25 pounds since I left da *gasp* evil place in May. I feel awful. Never in my life have I been at the weight I am now. I think I've been doing pretty welll at hiding it. But winter will come to an end and I can't cover up in sweats and jackets anymore. So starting tomorrow I'm putting myself on a diet. I'm following along with what a friend has been doing and it's worked for her. Once I get the first lil bit off, I'mma start exercising, start working on getting myself in shape. I have to do this for me to be healthy, for me to be happy and to be around for Lil Man and the next phase of his life.
Step three, a man. Geeeezus, who'd of ever thought I'd be pushing 40 and be alone at this stage. I'm tired of the losers I've been finding. The idiots, dumbasses, wannabe's. Tired of all of them. I think I've been settling, but I also think I've been looking too hard. Like I've reached a point where I'm desperate to find someone and then I get to finding flaws that I won't be happy with him. I'm going to quit trying. If someone comes along great, if not, oh well. Keep going.
I guess the point is I'm taking charge and I'm taking priority now. Me, myself and I. I'm what's important and I need to take care of myself.
So those are my 3 steps. Now sticking with them is the biggie. Will I do it? I dunno. Can I do it? yes, I can.
Tomorrow's a new day, a new beginning. Perfect time to start...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Today....
Today's been quiet. Where mother ran off to this morning, we're not sure. I'm thinking she went to get her blood pressure medication and do some shopping. But not groceries. Apparently that's my job now. As is cleaning the house and taking care of the day to day routines of the house.
So I took care of eveything today. Kept everyone fed, except for her. She refuses to eat anything here at home. I don't believe she's eating at all. Maybe I"m wrong. But we don't see her eating.
Lil Man and I put up the Christmas tree and it looks awesome. But you know me, as long as it's purple I"m happy. Oh and I have my own little section. Wanna see?
So I took care of eveything today. Kept everyone fed, except for her. She refuses to eat anything here at home. I don't believe she's eating at all. Maybe I"m wrong. But we don't see her eating.
Yay, that's my little section. My purple diva, my dallas cowboys and Me! Sexy, the green M & M. Cute huh... Even Lil Man has a reindeer with his pic in it. He hasn't seen it yet and prolly will be pissed when he does. LOL
Anyways. That was about the extent of our day. She came in didn't say shit to anyone. So we busied ourselves cleaning house and with the tree. Tomorrow will prolly be another long day. Oh, well.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Mommy Dearest....
The weekend is here and I can just imagine how long the next two days will be at home with Mother. I believe she's working at the funeral home tonight and tomorrow. Not 100% sure. But I"m crossing my fingers anyways.
Just having her mope around the house making her faces is awful. She is a very sour, bitter, miserable woman. And that's soooo very sad.
This latest episode began Saturday of last week. Her uncle died and his funeral was that day. So I woke up, went to say good morning to her and the conversation that followed was awful.
I asked what time we were leaving and she looked at me all surprised and answered that SHE was leaving at 12:30, she didn't know what my plans were. I said MY plans? I thought we were going to the funeral together. She says it's her family and she didn't feel I'd want to be there. Was I planning on going? I said yes, it IS a family thing which is the reason I'm asking so we can get ready and go.
She replied again that SHE was leaving at 12:30. I said fine, then you do that. So I went and put on my cleaning clothes and started cleaning house. She follows me around and throws a shit fit because I"m not getting ready to go to the funeral. I said why? You've made me feel unwelcome, unneeded, so why bother? She said well you could go, I just didn't see why you'd want to. I said for the way you're acting now, you have made me quite clear that you don't need me there.
At his point daddy hears and comes to ask her what the problem is. Why is she acting the way she? She said nothing, just didn't know what her plans were. Why were you going too? So now daddy's standing there in shock and says what are you thinking?
A fight broke out at this point where she looked at him and said just wait your funeral's next and I won't be there. You could have knocked me over with a fucking feather. I looked at her and said how dare you. You've done some pretty low and mean things, but you just topped yourself right there.
She quickly realized what she said. Thankfully daddy did not catch it. She said well it could happen to any of us. I said no, you wished it on someone and told them they were next, you've crossed the line.
The fight kept going. It's been a week now. I had to run daddy to the er because his blood pressure was too high. But he calmed down. Mother's apparently has been doing the same. She's been yelling at people on the phone, screaming that her blood pressure medicine has not been called in to the pharmacy, she's gonna have a stroke and on and on and on.
I'm supposed to be going to a party tonight with a friend, but I don't see how I can. I don't see leaving Lil Man and daddy alone with her. Not under these circumstances. There's no way. I can't go and trust her not to do something. It's not worth it. I'd rather be at home and make sure the boys are fine than to see her try something and one of them have another episode.
So here I sit, once again not knowing which way to go. My weight has spiraled out of control. I can hear myself wheezing and breathing heavy in a complete state of rest. We're all suffering now and there's not alot I can do about it.
Just having her mope around the house making her faces is awful. She is a very sour, bitter, miserable woman. And that's soooo very sad.
This latest episode began Saturday of last week. Her uncle died and his funeral was that day. So I woke up, went to say good morning to her and the conversation that followed was awful.
I asked what time we were leaving and she looked at me all surprised and answered that SHE was leaving at 12:30, she didn't know what my plans were. I said MY plans? I thought we were going to the funeral together. She says it's her family and she didn't feel I'd want to be there. Was I planning on going? I said yes, it IS a family thing which is the reason I'm asking so we can get ready and go.
She replied again that SHE was leaving at 12:30. I said fine, then you do that. So I went and put on my cleaning clothes and started cleaning house. She follows me around and throws a shit fit because I"m not getting ready to go to the funeral. I said why? You've made me feel unwelcome, unneeded, so why bother? She said well you could go, I just didn't see why you'd want to. I said for the way you're acting now, you have made me quite clear that you don't need me there.
At his point daddy hears and comes to ask her what the problem is. Why is she acting the way she? She said nothing, just didn't know what her plans were. Why were you going too? So now daddy's standing there in shock and says what are you thinking?
A fight broke out at this point where she looked at him and said just wait your funeral's next and I won't be there. You could have knocked me over with a fucking feather. I looked at her and said how dare you. You've done some pretty low and mean things, but you just topped yourself right there.
She quickly realized what she said. Thankfully daddy did not catch it. She said well it could happen to any of us. I said no, you wished it on someone and told them they were next, you've crossed the line.
The fight kept going. It's been a week now. I had to run daddy to the er because his blood pressure was too high. But he calmed down. Mother's apparently has been doing the same. She's been yelling at people on the phone, screaming that her blood pressure medicine has not been called in to the pharmacy, she's gonna have a stroke and on and on and on.
I'm supposed to be going to a party tonight with a friend, but I don't see how I can. I don't see leaving Lil Man and daddy alone with her. Not under these circumstances. There's no way. I can't go and trust her not to do something. It's not worth it. I'd rather be at home and make sure the boys are fine than to see her try something and one of them have another episode.
So here I sit, once again not knowing which way to go. My weight has spiraled out of control. I can hear myself wheezing and breathing heavy in a complete state of rest. We're all suffering now and there's not alot I can do about it.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Day 2, somebody save me...
Geeeezus, mary and joseph... OMG, I'm pms'ing so my nipples are already sore and tender. Strangely enough this is something I didn't go through before, I think with age and lack of sex and use, the nipples get sore. Anyways.... this cold weather is fuhking killing me. OMG, I could break glass with my nipples, break a man's teeth even. Holy shit it's cold. LMFAOO
Mother is still not speaking to us. She tries speaking to Lil Man, he's so mad at her he blows her off and it pisses her off more.
Lil Man's condition is getting so much better. thank you geezus for that. We've been trying different meds and basically the only thing that has not made him sick is seroquel and xanax. Zoloft, abilify and lexapro has made him sick and done evil things to him. The doctor thinks it's odd seeing as how he's a big guy, but his system just doesn't tolerate them. So we need to find something else to replace the lexapro now.
In speaking with his counselor at school, he has two and the child psychiatrist in Wichita Falls, the truth always comes out. He's doing better, he's learning to cope with his illness and with life much better, but at the end of the day, the one thing that tends to get him down is always mother.
I've tried gently telling her to lay off and telling her she is a major issue/problem with him and she doesn't seem to comprehend that. She thinks I"m picking on her, being mean and angry towards her. In her mind, she is an angel and we all are the devil, heathens.
The last year has taught me alot and I'm seeing the pattern and I firmly believe that if anyone in the family is bipolar (besides Lil Man), it is mother. Of course she will deny it til the day she dies and blame Lil Man's disease/condition on the sperm donor and his side of the family. She's not taking any blame or claim. Although she's supposed to be on meds, she won't do it. Refuses it.
I overheard her on the phone with her favorite cousin last night telling him she's about to have a stroke and her blood pressure meds were raised. Then she abruptly hung up on him. Ummm, so who has the anger management issues? Who's the one that needs to calm down?
So in the meantime, we're on day 5 now of her barely speaking to me, not speaking to dad and forceably speaking to Lil Man. She knows her health is depending on her calming her ass down and taking it easy, but she won't do it. All she has to do it calm down and drop this attitude, quit being mad over what SHE did and maybe she would start to feel better.
In the meantime, today's another day and I will do what I do best. That is taking care of Lil Man and my Daddy. The only two men that at the end of the day are still there for me and give me unconditional love. The only two men that I will ever fully count on.
Mother is still not speaking to us. She tries speaking to Lil Man, he's so mad at her he blows her off and it pisses her off more.
Lil Man's condition is getting so much better. thank you geezus for that. We've been trying different meds and basically the only thing that has not made him sick is seroquel and xanax. Zoloft, abilify and lexapro has made him sick and done evil things to him. The doctor thinks it's odd seeing as how he's a big guy, but his system just doesn't tolerate them. So we need to find something else to replace the lexapro now.
In speaking with his counselor at school, he has two and the child psychiatrist in Wichita Falls, the truth always comes out. He's doing better, he's learning to cope with his illness and with life much better, but at the end of the day, the one thing that tends to get him down is always mother.
I've tried gently telling her to lay off and telling her she is a major issue/problem with him and she doesn't seem to comprehend that. She thinks I"m picking on her, being mean and angry towards her. In her mind, she is an angel and we all are the devil, heathens.
The last year has taught me alot and I'm seeing the pattern and I firmly believe that if anyone in the family is bipolar (besides Lil Man), it is mother. Of course she will deny it til the day she dies and blame Lil Man's disease/condition on the sperm donor and his side of the family. She's not taking any blame or claim. Although she's supposed to be on meds, she won't do it. Refuses it.
I overheard her on the phone with her favorite cousin last night telling him she's about to have a stroke and her blood pressure meds were raised. Then she abruptly hung up on him. Ummm, so who has the anger management issues? Who's the one that needs to calm down?
So in the meantime, we're on day 5 now of her barely speaking to me, not speaking to dad and forceably speaking to Lil Man. She knows her health is depending on her calming her ass down and taking it easy, but she won't do it. All she has to do it calm down and drop this attitude, quit being mad over what SHE did and maybe she would start to feel better.
In the meantime, today's another day and I will do what I do best. That is taking care of Lil Man and my Daddy. The only two men that at the end of the day are still there for me and give me unconditional love. The only two men that I will ever fully count on.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The introduction, my welcome note...
They say that the truth shall set you free. I'd like to find out just how true that is. Granted this isn't my first time to blog, but maybe this time around I'll have a different outlook on things. Add things I may have forgotten the first time.
So... to the newbies, welcome. Welcome to my own little piece of heaven and hell combined into one. To those that know me, welcome back. Let's see what we missed. LOL
Recent events have had me questioning myself again. Questioning my existence and how I came to be. In all honesty and sincereity I just don't see how I am honestly my mother's daughter.
My parents were expecting a child before I came along. I would have had a sibling 11 years older than me. Somewhere along the way mother miscarried and lost it. It took them so long to conceive again that when I came along, people honestly thought I was adopted. They couldn't believe how my parents were able to find a baby with such dark hair and light skin just like they were. How did they get to lucky.
What may have started out as an honest joke still haunts me. 39 years later and I do question that theory. How can a mother and daughter be so different. Isn't there supposed to be a link in the dna? The genes of some kind?
She's always said things that have left me wondering, but this weekend truly took the cake. I could have been knocked over with a feather. Considering how fat my ass is, that would not have been an easy feat to do. But it was about to happen. That will be discussed in the blogs to follow. This blog is the welcome, the introduction.
So... to the newbies, welcome. Welcome to my own little piece of heaven and hell combined into one. To those that know me, welcome back. Let's see what we missed. LOL
Recent events have had me questioning myself again. Questioning my existence and how I came to be. In all honesty and sincereity I just don't see how I am honestly my mother's daughter.
My parents were expecting a child before I came along. I would have had a sibling 11 years older than me. Somewhere along the way mother miscarried and lost it. It took them so long to conceive again that when I came along, people honestly thought I was adopted. They couldn't believe how my parents were able to find a baby with such dark hair and light skin just like they were. How did they get to lucky.
What may have started out as an honest joke still haunts me. 39 years later and I do question that theory. How can a mother and daughter be so different. Isn't there supposed to be a link in the dna? The genes of some kind?
She's always said things that have left me wondering, but this weekend truly took the cake. I could have been knocked over with a feather. Considering how fat my ass is, that would not have been an easy feat to do. But it was about to happen. That will be discussed in the blogs to follow. This blog is the welcome, the introduction.
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